I am a Yid. I like to rock. Veitur!

- [ Wednesday, February 02, 2005 ] -
It's fun to complain about corporate BS. My wife works for a large corporation that involves both the thrill of insurance and non-stop excitement of law. She got herself on a committee to design the new database software for her company, because she's sick of using the terrible design that was in place before her arrival. Committees have teleconferences.

My wife just got off an hour-and-a-half teleconference with the software designers/trainers and a bunch of higher-ups in her company. As a self-described "peon" and the lowest rung on the corporate ladder, she is both painfully aware of the corporate-speak and general computer ignorance displayed on the call. For your enjoyment, she has brought us direct quotes from this amazing teleconference. The corporate-speak will fascinate, titillate and make you thankful that you weren't on the call.

Why drink from the fire hose when you can drink from a fountain

From my perspective, I think there will be some home office decisions made with respect to security, with input from everyone on the phone.

This is something you won’t actually use, but I want to show you that it's available.

Q: Will we have to enter the same info into two different screens?
A: Absolutely not. I will argue 'til the cows come home if somebody wants to!

Again, I want to teach you this, not that it's anything you're going to use or do, but I want to give you this familiarity

You're going to be able to identify trends, and where things are going, and all of that. You're going to be able to save money as you learn about your business.

Another way you're going to use the information in the system is to assist in business processes.

We'll be able to generate reports based on information kept up to date in the system.

I'm a big person on process. I'm a big person to say that everything needs a process. And I say that without that process, I'm lost, I don’t know what I'm going to do with myself. With that process, I'm going to get much more productivity, and as a manager I'm going to see all the things I want to see. And I say this because I lived it.

Just by defining and refining the processes, we were able to take in 50% more work, but kept the same amount of people. It’s a very healthy process to do.

The matter is the tree trunk, and it's supporting all these limbs and leaves up here...

I guess you can tell I can talk all day, no problem there!

I had to read each quote like 6 times over just to try and figure out what the fuck they were trying to say.


I've had to sit through this stuff (with lawyers no less) for over 24 years!

Tell Becky not to bring sharp objects into meetings like these.

And to think, I had all that in my life every Mon - Fri and I somehow walked away from it all.... Gosh I miss that stuff.

Avi G


Check out my blog here. Words like "relationship obituaries" and "Planet Bin Laden" and "road beef" and "slump busters" and "silent tsunami" and "tsunami tourists" and vindex, among others.
"stunt-casting" and "dutch tulip moment"

these are the "words that ring a bell awards" for 2005 and annually also check out:


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